Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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