Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Randomize
