I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
did i just pee glitter
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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