sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
