Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
