Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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