i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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