and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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