Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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