Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
