dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
