dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
