dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
