so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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