just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
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