Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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