Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
