If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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