Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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