I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
