there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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