just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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