Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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