I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
