guys are not supposed to queef...right?
im six kinds of drunk right now
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
