forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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