She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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