Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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