Pants 0. Shit 1.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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