I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
