stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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