OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
