Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
