How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
