She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
