Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
