Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
