Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
