Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
