dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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