this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
