I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
