:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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