We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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