Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
