i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
