Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
