I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
