Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Randomize
