Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
